Physical
The Good:
Overall my health is good. I had full blood work done when I first saw my new GP a while back, a few weeks before I saw my endo. All my levels of whatever are good and my blood pressure is about what it should be. I learned from my endo that I have a small cyst on my thyroid but that it’s absolutely fine. Testosterone shots have been great for stuff like my body temperature regulation. I feel good overall.
Side note: I have to shave every few days. No, I’m not going to let it grow out until it’s more substantial… but I’m looking forward to that 😉
The Bad:
My knees are shot. I have moderate-to-serious osteoarthritis in both knees and a bit of floating bone that’s cocking up the works. Funny enough, now that I know what’s wrong with my knees, they don’t really hurt as much. Also, the underlying reason why my knees (and all joints) are so bad is still a mystery. More and more things are pointing towards EDS/HSD so I’ll have my GP send me for some testing of that. My acne comes and goes – I get new zits where new hairs are coming in (both face and chest and shoulders). Also, my asthma has been kicking my butt and so have my headaches… but the reason for that is below.
Mental/Emotional
The Bad:
I’m still drinking far too much. I was drinking all the time when the ex was still here just to cope with the relationship. Also, drinking was just something we did… and any time I tried to cut down, it was met with weird hostility. I’m actually much better than I was just a few weeks ago—there’s a bottle of whiskey sitting on my bar that’s been there for four days… that’s a long time for a bottle of whiskey in this house. I’ve also switched to light beer.
The drinking is especially bad on the nights where kiddo goes to sleep at the ex’s place… I sort of panic and can’t get out of my head and drinking is pretty much the only thing I can think of doing. But, I’m not harming anyone but myself, and, like I said, I have cut down. I just need to cut down more… it’s bad enough I have headaches and asthma flare ups because of the weather, piling on hangovers is not doing me any good at all.
I’ve only just realized that I’m actively avoiding my office. I say to myself “I’m going to work from my office today” only to find myself on the couch an hour later. I’m still working/writing, yes, but with little to no attention span. I know I’m avoiding my office because I was forced to sleep in there on a tiny cot for a year and I obviously developed some negative associations with it. I have to get over it. I have to get back to working out of my office because it helps me focus and I need to focus if I want to get my groove back.
Sometime in the last 7 years I developed what I think of as a stress tremor. Most of the time I can hide it, but I really wish it would go away. It happens any time I have to hold still… like when I’m at the dentist or getting a tattoo or even the massage therapist. I find myself panicking, feeling trapped, and then my whole body just starts trembling. I usually get over it by alternating counting and reciting the alphabet backwards in my head.
Feelings…. oh feelings. I’m someone who’s on the very low end of the emotional scale to begin with, but after a decade of forcing myself not to care, not to react, my emotions are a little wonky, even for me. I’ll get to a better place, I know I will, but sometimes I can’t do anything but lie there feeling things and being overwhelmed. It’s exhausting and it contributes to the drinking.
The Good:
Transitioning is doing wonders for building my self-esteem back up again. There’s a bounce in my step. I keep thinking “thank god it’s over” about the whole female thing. I smile and hug myself. I dance in the shower like I used to (not as dangerous as it sounds) and I’m constantly singing. So, my mood is more positive than negative, I think. At least it feels like that today. Tomorrow, I might be melodramatically whinging to myself over something, but today I’m good. I’m even starting to really feel like socializing.
Things will get better. Things will get good. I have faith in myself.
