I’m queer, poly, and trans. What on earth was I doing with a white cis het monogamous dude?
I was trying to be normal!
Life
Little things
I started shaving my face. Not because I need to (yet), but because it makes me ludicrously happy.
Appointment with the endocrinologist next week. I’m nervous.
On finding love
It’s one of those things that weighs sort of heavy on me. I’m probably aromantic, meaning I don’t make deep connections with partners, but I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever have a partner again because I’m trans and beginning my transition.
A Transgender Groom Sees Beyond What He Ever Imagined
When I said it out loud for the first time to my brother, Mikey — “I think I’m transgender” — I was weeping. “I’m afraid no one will ever love me again.”
When can I relax? Hm?
Being trans is a nerve-wracking combination of glorious elation over finally being your true self and horrible stress and guilt over how other folks are/will be affected by it.
Case in point: talks have begun with kiddo after she called me a drag king. I’m trying to baby-step it as much as possible, but she’s a little emotional about it. I only start T in a few weeks (I hope), and the changes aren’t drastic, so I can afford to take my time with her and show her that she’s not losing a mom at all and that, weirdly, I’ll probably be more comfortable doing girlier things once my body is more male.
This is Important Stuff, People (and go you, Teen Vogue!)
What My Transgender Boyfriend Taught Me About Relationships
“Don’t make assumptions.”
…when I first started coming out as a transgender man to my friends and family, someone asked me, “But who’s going to love you?” At the time, I didn’t know how to respond; I was afraid of the answer. I did know, however, that I had no choice. I was choosing to love myself, even if it meant nobody else would.
Elation/Devestation
The most astounding and painful things can happen almost simultaneously when you’re trans. Someone writes a few words of praise that bring out a rare and searing blush… and then a heartbeat later, the tears come unbidden, earnest and devastating.
It’s because, you know, no matter how much they appeal to you, being trans is one of the hardest hurdles to overcome.
Transparent
Thanks to Amazon Video finally coming to Canada, I’m finally watching Transparent.
I’m near tears. Heh
Fucking hell… coming out. Coming out coming out coming out… never the right time…
Dysphoria
Exactly this except for one part. I’ve been researching transitioning since before the internet, waaay back when I came across something in a medical journal/book about sex reassignment surgery. Even after the internet gave me more info, the surgery/hormones just seemed so imperfect that it was the motivation for me to try to live with the body I was given. I’d never have a fully functioning cock. I’d never be 5’10 (which is how tall my mind thinks I am). I’d never be able to have XY chromosomes. I’d always be in the wrong body, die in the wrong body, be buried in the wrong body.
Like the OP, pregnancy and the time after—eight months of nursing my kiddo—made me feel the most aligned with my body I ever have. I could hack it. Had I finally beat the dysphoria? But no… it was just the hormones. The minute those petered out, the dysphoria came back with a vengeance, and I knew it was time to stop fighting it. My female body had served its purpose to have a kid, and now I was free…
…but not really. It’s been years now, and I’ve only told a handful of people. I have the green light for sexual confirmation surgery… but still, I stall. I feel I will lose my extended family. I’ve already lost my partner because he isn’t gay and isn’t interested in trying to make it work. But that’s fine – we remain friends. My kid is so proud that she and I are “girls” that every time I try to start the conversation about who I really am, I chicken out because I don’t want to disappoint her.
It’ll work out. I know it will. I just have to stay the course.