Transition

Thoughts on transitioning

by
Angst

The biggest factor holding me back from transitioning for all these years was the act of transitioning itself—the liminal period that can stretch on for years and years where the changes in your body can be… so… tediously… slow. Heh, I’m so impatient.

Are you a man or a woman? How do you deal with/manage people’s perception of you? All the awkward fucking conversations… was all that crap worth it? I could never be a real man, right? I’d always be pretending… but then I’ve always been pretending to be a woman. I wished I could just snap my fingers and voilà! Skip past all the embarrassing shit.

Argh… I knew I would hate it.

And I do hate it… but not as much as I thought I would. I’m definitely not as angry or embarrassed as I thought I would be, and you know why? Because there are so many others going through almost exactly the same thing. I’m not alone—not by a long shot.

When I thought about transitioning, early on, it was always with the assumption that I’d be a freak. That trans folk were few and far between and that it would be a horrible, overwhelming, demeaning, uphill battle.

But… it’s not, actually.

See, when I first spoke about my genderfuckedness with my high school counsellor (whom I was forced to see twice a week for my delinquent, antisocial behaviour hehe) all he knew was the word “transexual”… and not really anything about gender dysphoria. He did do his research after talking to me, but it was all medical and, back then, it was super restrictive and secretive and complicated and holy shit I would have blown my stack. And there was absolutely nothing he could do to alleviate my fears of the social aspect. He just didn’t know.

Thank god for the internet.

I mean, it’s still awkward as hell sometimes, and maybe because this is Canada and we generally try to be polite/understanding about things, but I’m finding that dealing with folks as I transition is… no big deal? I lost a lot of my self confidence over the last 10+ years, so I’m timid about certain things that never bothered me before. Like using the men’s washroom, for instance. It never used to bother me. All throughout high school (and the last two years of elementary school), I used the men’s and women’s washrooms pretty much interchangeably. In high school, I used the men’s changing rooms more often than the women’s and, whenever we went on a field trip somewhere overnight, I always bunked with the guys. Same in CEGEP. I was willing to put up with some annoying comments about my behaviour if it meant I could be more comfortable (weirdly, not a single teacher ever questioned anything I did).

But I was the only one I knew like me.

Not anymore. And it’s not only just groups online and a few IRL friends—it’s also all the people who are incredibly supportive and respectful of trans folks. It’s my postman who, picking up on my name/voice/appearance change told me his daughter is trans and he loves and supports her. It’s the teen guy who came to the door to sell some chocolates and who asked “do I call you sir or ma’am?” in the most genuine and endearing way. It’s all the people who “sir” me without question once they see my name. It’s the people who, when they make a mistake, apologize.

And it’s people I admire who are blazing paths on tv, movies, and social media… like Ian Harvie, Laverne Cox, Aydian Dowling, Jamie Raines, Chase Ross, who have so many followers that are trans themselves.

I’m not alone… never was, as it turns out. 🙂

All right. So maybe I don’t actually hate the transitioning thing. It’s slow, sometimes awkward, and really annoying… but if this is all I have to go through to come out the other side feeling and looking more like I do on the inside, I’m lucky.

Hoops and Health

by
Voyage

Just as I think I’ve changed my name everywhere, something else pops up. So many hoops to jump through and I can’t wait to be finally done… well, as done as I can be. I finally went and got a haircut so I could get a picture for my new passport, and when I get that, I can update my Nexus card. Next, up is getting documents certified so I can get a replacement university diploma. And go back to the pharmacy, again, because my name change just won’t go through.

I finally got all my papers together for the GRS clinic. I’m really looking forward to top surgery.

Like I’ve mentioned before, the latest MRI scans of my knees show moderate-to-severe osteoarthritis with floating bone fragments (my knees are messed up from a combo of running and genetics) but my doc is confident that I don’t need surgery on them just yet—I’m getting cortisone shots to keep down the swelling, and I’d like to try using CBD oil. I was worried I would have to put off top surgery because of knee surgery, so I’m glad my knees will “keep” for a while. The weight loss helps. However, I’ve found that being on testosterone sort of screws a little bit with tendons/muscle growth and ratio so I have to be extra careful. Needless to say, my weightlifting regime is still very light.

[Stuff about mental health]

Brief update

by
Rainbow

Well, that went well.

While my name/gender change was not addressed in any overt fashion, as we were discussing our Cuba vacation, my mother suggested I try Puerto Vallarta one of these days because it is “so LGBT friendly!”

Huh. I’m… impressed. Then we talked about house renovations.

(My uncle and aunt stopped by outside to say hi and my uncle waved eagerly and said “Hi Max!” twice, as if to make sure I’d heard him. He’s so cute.)

Life almost always manages to throw me a rainbow whenever I’m fearing the worst.

Every day gets a little brighter

by
Ugly Duckling

(Both literally and metaphorically… yay spring!)

I’m still losing an average of two days a week, work-wise, because my motivation remains in the toilet… however, those days are no longer spent in bed or in a slump on the couch. I’m getting things done, little by little, making sure not to overspend my “spoons”. The separation anxiety I feel every time kiddo is gone overnight is lessening… but that’s making way for anger. This would be a whole lot easier and I’d “recover” faster if this was either a “normal” split up or no kids were involved. Instead I spend half the week hiding how hard this is for me (though, honestly, kiddo is such a pleasure to be around that life is easier overall) only to need a few days to recuperate and deal with all this anger and pain. I can’t show kiddo how I feel. I don’t want to plant the fear in her head that coming out leads to abandonment. Not while she’s this young. Later, we’ll talk about it… but right now her circle of influence is so small, and I know firsthand how those fears can stick and grow over time.

It’ll get better. It always does.

I got the ball rolling on top surgery. Still need to run to the pharmacy for the list of all the medicines I’m currently taking (ventolin, delatestryl, and something topical for acne?) but I’ve sent in all the other stuff and jumped through all the hoops.

I hope.

I’m excited. I’ve already had reduction surgery years and years ago so I know what to expect. I honestly can’t wait. The first time I had the ladies (mostly) off was a wonderful thing. I already have a chest piece planned.

Today is the first day I’ll see my folks since I made the announcement of my gender switcharoo. I have no idea what they think because we don’t talk about anything. I was hoping to get a haircut this morning but my two places are closed. Ah well. They’re used to seeing me in a baseball cap 80% of the time anyway.

Heh, but the big question: do I shave?

Done and done and done.

by
Map Fire

Alrighty… went public with the rest of my IRL friends and family on FB. Surprisingly, I don’t think I lost any FB friends and everyone seems ok-to-very supportive about it. Radio silence from my mother and brother though, but that’s what I figured it would be like. I know I’m probably in for a “why would you DO this to your father?” and/or “you’re the most selfish person in the world” thing from my mother. But, now that I’m out, I’m done with it. This is who I am and that’s all there is to it. Yes, I’m respectful of the transitions that they’ll have to go through to accept me… I’m willing to educate, I can be patient, but I won’t compromise my identity.

Week 22 on T… I was just looking through the videos I’ve been taking and found it neat how much my voice has deepened already.

Overall the changes thus far have been very positive. Some sort of funny: I’ve gained weight in my face but lost it in my ass and my ankles. hehe

My facial hair is thickening and growing (I actually haven’t shaved in a few days to see how it looks and kiddo wants me to grow a moustache. Heh, I keep having to say that I’m not quite there yet.)

Went to Cuba for a week, just me and kiddo, and it was a blast. Everyone was super nice and though the food was meh, the pool and the weather were juuuusst perfect. I think we probably spent 3 hours/day in the pool. And goddamn it was nice not be constantly teetering on the edge of a panic attack. The last few years during vacation with my parents, I spent the whole time trying to keep myself calm, and that in itself was stressful—especially when you throw in a young kid and a spouse you have to look after. Shaving my legs, wearing a bathing suit, putting on make-up or a dress… it was a struggle not to break down completely. The last time we went it was especially bad—one night M and I were supposed to go out for a nice supper and I only barely managed to tamp down a full-fledged panic attack (hello rum, my friend) when I had to get dressed. I had brought a really nice dress with me and I just couldn’t put it on.

Actually, you know what? I think THAT was the moment—the straw that broke the camel’s back—that made me realize that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t be the boy in the dress any more. I’d done it long enough. I didn’t wear the dress that night and I think I only wore one more dress since then, for my cousin’s wedding last summer.

I’ve gotten the ball rolling for top surgery. I’m just waiting to see my GP so she can fill out the form. My name and gender are legally changed, and are changed almost everywhere. I should get my new medicare card this week, and I will work on getting my passport changed soon.

And now that I’m not stressing about telling my family any more… well, let me tell you: boy did I sleep well last night.

Upward and onwards.

Oh, and you know what? I’m turning 41 next week. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t have to spend the next 40 years as a woman… and looks like I did it. Go me. 🙂

Health Post

by
Progress

Physical

The Good:
Overall my health is good. I had full blood work done when I first saw my new GP a while back, a few weeks before I saw my endo. All my levels of whatever are good and my blood pressure is about what it should be. I learned from my endo that I have a small cyst on my thyroid but that it’s absolutely fine. Testosterone shots have been great for stuff like my body temperature regulation. I feel good overall.
Side note: I have to shave every few days. No, I’m not going to let it grow out until it’s more substantial… but I’m looking forward to that 😉

The Bad:
My knees are shot. I have moderate-to-serious osteoarthritis in both knees and a bit of floating bone that’s cocking up the works. Funny enough, now that I know what’s wrong with my knees, they don’t really hurt as much. Also, the underlying reason why my knees (and all joints) are so bad is still a mystery. More and more things are pointing towards EDS/HSD so I’ll have my GP send me for some testing of that. My acne comes and goes – I get new zits where new hairs are coming in (both face and chest and shoulders). Also, my asthma has been kicking my butt and so have my headaches… but the reason for that is below.

Mental/Emotional

The Bad:
I’m still drinking far too much. I was drinking all the time when the ex was still here just to cope with the relationship. Also, drinking was just something we did… and any time I tried to cut down, it was met with weird hostility. I’m actually much better than I was just a few weeks ago—there’s a bottle of whiskey sitting on my bar that’s been there for four days… that’s a long time for a bottle of whiskey in this house. I’ve also switched to light beer.
The drinking is especially bad on the nights where kiddo goes to sleep at the ex’s place… I sort of panic and can’t get out of my head and drinking is pretty much the only thing I can think of doing. But, I’m not harming anyone but myself, and, like I said, I have cut down. I just need to cut down more… it’s bad enough I have headaches and asthma flare ups because of the weather, piling on hangovers is not doing me any good at all.

I’ve only just realized that I’m actively avoiding my office. I say to myself “I’m going to work from my office today” only to find myself on the couch an hour later. I’m still working/writing, yes, but with little to no attention span. I know I’m avoiding my office because I was forced to sleep in there on a tiny cot for a year and I obviously developed some negative associations with it. I have to get over it. I have to get back to working out of my office because it helps me focus and I need to focus if I want to get my groove back.

Sometime in the last 7 years I developed what I think of as a stress tremor. Most of the time I can hide it, but I really wish it would go away. It happens any time I have to hold still… like when I’m at the dentist or getting a tattoo or even the massage therapist. I find myself panicking, feeling trapped, and then my whole body just starts trembling. I usually get over it by alternating counting and reciting the alphabet backwards in my head.

Feelings…. oh feelings. I’m someone who’s on the very low end of the emotional scale to begin with, but after a decade of forcing myself not to care, not to react, my emotions are a little wonky, even for me. I’ll get to a better place, I know I will, but sometimes I can’t do anything but lie there feeling things and being overwhelmed. It’s exhausting and it contributes to the drinking.

The Good:
Transitioning is doing wonders for building my self-esteem back up again. There’s a bounce in my step. I keep thinking “thank god it’s over” about the whole female thing. I smile and hug myself. I dance in the shower like I used to (not as dangerous as it sounds) and I’m constantly singing. So, my mood is more positive than negative, I think. At least it feels like that today. Tomorrow, I might be melodramatically whinging to myself over something, but today I’m good. I’m even starting to really feel like socializing.

Things will get better. Things will get good. I have faith in myself.

T for Tuesday

by
Ugly Duckling

Just started week 10 on T and everything is going great. Kiddo helps out with my shots every two weeks when I have her by handling the bandaid—not that I need a bandaid, I haven’t bled or anything, but the last thing I want is to wind up with some freak infection because I didn’t take all the precautions 🙂 Voice getting deeper every week, acne still annoying but under control. Heh I’ve entered the “moon face” phase, but I’ve increased my water intake/reduced salt to try to mitigate the bloating—hopefully it doesn’t last too long. Definite bottom growth, no new chest hair to speak of but the ones I had pre-T are now thicker. I have to shave regularly or else the stubble is noticeable and too patchy to just let grow for now. Funny aside: still not used to shaving so when I put shaving cream on and get distracted, sometimes I put some on my nose like I’m putting on face cream. Heh. Oh! And all my facial hair is black so far, no sign of any white. My eyebrows are filling out and my body shape is changing. I have the thinnest ankles I’ve ever had in my life.

After injecting I am stoned. Like, super mellow and spacey and I have zero ability to do anything productive, so Tuesdays have become my day off 🙂

The holidays this year were… well, frankly terrible. The worst in my life. I’m not ok, I know I’m still partially in shock, but all I can do is live one day at a time. Kiddo keeps me sane and I’m thankful as all hell for her. And I’m thankful that I do something I love… for a few months I was worried that my writing wouldn’t recover, but I’m hopeful… I released something new and unplanned last month and I’m working on something else that makes me happy. I’m also hoping to increase my client base for graphics work. For now, I’m taking it slow… I need to tell a good friend about my transition tonight, and I’m going to let my parents/brother know next week. I’m spacing things out because I’m worried more rejection will send me spiralling again. Fingers crossed that it’s not the worst scenario. 🙂

Still waiting for the legal name/gender change to go though. If it goes through soon and I get my medicare and passport replaced, I’m saving my pennies to take kiddo somewhere warm with me in March. Torremolinos? Cuba? A Cruise? Playa del Carmen? Nice? Here’s hoping.

Life is Good

by
Progress

Updates! So, this is week 6 on T. Everything is going swell.

  • The acne is under control (thanks to the Dr. Hauschka line of clarifying toners/oils! Though still a wee bit pimply, my skin has never felt or looked nicer. Seriously.)
  • Voice has dropped a bit and I’m getting the same creaky quality I got back when my voice first dropped at puberty.
  • I have to shave or else it looks like I’m trying to grow a Fu Manchu. My eyebrows have also started filling in (thank god). I treated myself to a new razor subscription.
  • I smell different. Heh I keep sniffing myself. It’s very odd. I’ve always smelled like me… but this is like… me plus.
  • Sex drive is… wow.
  • I’m already seeing some fat redistribution, which is interesting.

And no, I still haven’t told my parents. The application for sex/name change is already in the mail. I should probably tell them soon. Ha.

Like I’ve mentioned before… I’ve never “come out” before. People just naturally figure out that I’m queer (or don’t). I’ve never made any attempt to hide it, nor did I ever feel the need to broadcast it. I just am what I am. Being trans (and I still sort of cringe at the “trans” label because I cringe at all labels for myself… including the aforementioned “queer” I affixed to myself earlier in lieu of “pan” which, for some reason, I find too restricive. Ha.) is different though… or is it? Do I really need to tell anyone? I don’t really feel the need to explain myself, nor do I like to.

I had an appointment with an orthopaedic surgeon for my knee to see what could be done about it and when they suggested cortisone shots to start, I asked if cortisone shots were contraindicated with testosterone shots (the jury is out on that, btw) and they blinked at me twice, connecting the dots, and then just rolled with the new info.

Anyway.

Life is good, atm.

I was having a conversation with an acquaintance a week or two ago about transitioning and they were curious as to why I was doing it, given that I’m not depressed, not given to anxiety, and don’t seem all that bothered by my current gender situation. The way I explained it was that I have never felt like I was in my body. I have a massive case of BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder) and gender is only one part of it… It means there’s a huge disconnect between the blueprint of my body in my head and the one I’m actually in. My brain literally thinks I’m around 5’10, for instance. I’m not. In reality… I’m just short of 5’5… so my centre of gravity is not where it’s supposed to be and I’m all clumsy. I feel weird about the parts that stick out of this phantom body outline, and even weirder about the parts that don’t reach it. Here… I drew a picture. It’s not really accurate, but it goes something like this: The parts in black fit into the outlines and that feels ok. Everywhere that’s in blue or red… those are the parts that don’t fit and I feel weird. If this was a side view, the boobs and butt would be included.

BIID

But yeah… I feel like I’m wearing an ill-fitting skin suit. Or only playing a video game, wearing a really terrible haptic suit, so when people touch my avatar I can “feel” it, but it’s super disconnected and there’s a major delay… being touched is problematic on so many grounds for me.

Mostly, it makes me feel insane. All my life, I’ve retreated to little fantasies to try to make sense of it:

  • I’m actually an alien from a different dimension sent to spy but they put together my human body wrong.
  • I somehow switched bodies with another baby in the hospital… this one I believed for a long time. I was convinced there was someone walking around with my body and that if I could find them and we touched, our brains would switch. I literally walked around looking for this other person.
  • I had a fraternal, male twin and I absorbed him in the womb so I wound up with a female body but a male brain.
  • I’m just a brain in a jar and scientists are messing with me.
  • That I’ve always been male in my past lives (I don’t know if I believe in past lives) and this is my first time being female so it feels like I parked my Ford F-150 at the pearly gates and when it was time to leave, the parking valet gave me the keys to a Volkswagen Beetle instead… and no one believed me when I said it wasn’t my car. Heh.

But, while it makes me feel insane, I try hard not to stress about it because stress makes everything worse*. And I figured there was nothing I could do about it anyway. But then, all these stories started coming out from people who transitioned and finally felt like they fit into their bodies… well, dammit, I was going to give it a try too. I’ll never be able to fix the height problem, but if all I have to do is take some hormones to nudge my body over to male? Hell yes. Maybe, just maybe if I work to fix the gender dysphoria aspect, I’ll feel like I’m actually in my own body instead of wearing someone else’s. I dunno. It’s worth a shot. I know I’m already feeling pretty good about all of it.

____

* yes, I do feel stress and anxiety and whatnot, but I ignore or quash most of it. The problem with that is no one believes you when you say you’re stressed because you don’t seem like it.

How to girl…

by
Suit

LOL so relatable.

Do I regret letting myself be bullied into trying to pass? Sort of… but it was easier just to let others show me what I was doing “wrong” and instruct me in how to do it “right”. I never did girl very well… it was just this constant dog and pony show I put on that people seemed to like but I always felt like (especially) women saw right through the disguise. You know those scenes in Inception where the projections of Cobb’s subconscious begin to notice Ariadne as someone that shouldn’t be there? They all turn to her/follow her? Yeah, that’s how I feel in a room full of women.