mental health
Health Post
Physical
The Good:
Overall my health is good. I had full blood work done when I first saw my new GP a while back, a few weeks before I saw my endo. All my levels of whatever are good and my blood pressure is about what it should be. I learned from my endo that I have a small cyst on my thyroid but that it’s absolutely fine. Testosterone shots have been great for stuff like my body temperature regulation. I feel good overall.
Side note: I have to shave every few days. No, I’m not going to let it grow out until it’s more substantial… but I’m looking forward to that 😉
The Bad:
My knees are shot. I have moderate-to-serious osteoarthritis in both knees and a bit of floating bone that’s cocking up the works. Funny enough, now that I know what’s wrong with my knees, they don’t really hurt as much. Also, the underlying reason why my knees (and all joints) are so bad is still a mystery. More and more things are pointing towards EDS/HSD so I’ll have my GP send me for some testing of that. My acne comes and goes – I get new zits where new hairs are coming in (both face and chest and shoulders). Also, my asthma has been kicking my butt and so have my headaches… but the reason for that is below.
Mental/Emotional
The Bad:
I’m still drinking far too much. I was drinking all the time when the ex was still here just to cope with the relationship. Also, drinking was just something we did… and any time I tried to cut down, it was met with weird hostility. I’m actually much better than I was just a few weeks ago—there’s a bottle of whiskey sitting on my bar that’s been there for four days… that’s a long time for a bottle of whiskey in this house. I’ve also switched to light beer.
The drinking is especially bad on the nights where kiddo goes to sleep at the ex’s place… I sort of panic and can’t get out of my head and drinking is pretty much the only thing I can think of doing. But, I’m not harming anyone but myself, and, like I said, I have cut down. I just need to cut down more… it’s bad enough I have headaches and asthma flare ups because of the weather, piling on hangovers is not doing me any good at all.
I’ve only just realized that I’m actively avoiding my office. I say to myself “I’m going to work from my office today” only to find myself on the couch an hour later. I’m still working/writing, yes, but with little to no attention span. I know I’m avoiding my office because I was forced to sleep in there on a tiny cot for a year and I obviously developed some negative associations with it. I have to get over it. I have to get back to working out of my office because it helps me focus and I need to focus if I want to get my groove back.
Sometime in the last 7 years I developed what I think of as a stress tremor. Most of the time I can hide it, but I really wish it would go away. It happens any time I have to hold still… like when I’m at the dentist or getting a tattoo or even the massage therapist. I find myself panicking, feeling trapped, and then my whole body just starts trembling. I usually get over it by alternating counting and reciting the alphabet backwards in my head.
Feelings…. oh feelings. I’m someone who’s on the very low end of the emotional scale to begin with, but after a decade of forcing myself not to care, not to react, my emotions are a little wonky, even for me. I’ll get to a better place, I know I will, but sometimes I can’t do anything but lie there feeling things and being overwhelmed. It’s exhausting and it contributes to the drinking.
The Good:
Transitioning is doing wonders for building my self-esteem back up again. There’s a bounce in my step. I keep thinking “thank god it’s over” about the whole female thing. I smile and hug myself. I dance in the shower like I used to (not as dangerous as it sounds) and I’m constantly singing. So, my mood is more positive than negative, I think. At least it feels like that today. Tomorrow, I might be melodramatically whinging to myself over something, but today I’m good. I’m even starting to really feel like socializing.
Things will get better. Things will get good. I have faith in myself.
Life is Good
Updates! So, this is week 6 on T. Everything is going swell.
- The acne is under control (thanks to the Dr. Hauschka line of clarifying toners/oils! Though still a wee bit pimply, my skin has never felt or looked nicer. Seriously.)
- Voice has dropped a bit and I’m getting the same creaky quality I got back when my voice first dropped at puberty.
- I have to shave or else it looks like I’m trying to grow a Fu Manchu. My eyebrows have also started filling in (thank god). I treated myself to a new razor subscription.
- I smell different. Heh I keep sniffing myself. It’s very odd. I’ve always smelled like me… but this is like… me plus.
- Sex drive is… wow.
- I’m already seeing some fat redistribution, which is interesting.
And no, I still haven’t told my parents. The application for sex/name change is already in the mail. I should probably tell them soon. Ha.
Like I’ve mentioned before… I’ve never “come out” before. People just naturally figure out that I’m queer (or don’t). I’ve never made any attempt to hide it, nor did I ever feel the need to broadcast it. I just am what I am. Being trans (and I still sort of cringe at the “trans” label because I cringe at all labels for myself… including the aforementioned “queer” I affixed to myself earlier in lieu of “pan” which, for some reason, I find too restricive. Ha.) is different though… or is it? Do I really need to tell anyone? I don’t really feel the need to explain myself, nor do I like to.
I had an appointment with an orthopaedic surgeon for my knee to see what could be done about it and when they suggested cortisone shots to start, I asked if cortisone shots were contraindicated with testosterone shots (the jury is out on that, btw) and they blinked at me twice, connecting the dots, and then just rolled with the new info.
Anyway.
Life is good, atm.
I was having a conversation with an acquaintance a week or two ago about transitioning and they were curious as to why I was doing it, given that I’m not depressed, not given to anxiety, and don’t seem all that bothered by my current gender situation. The way I explained it was that I have never felt like I was in my body. I have a massive case of BIID (Body Integrity Identity Disorder) and gender is only one part of it… It means there’s a huge disconnect between the blueprint of my body in my head and the one I’m actually in. My brain literally thinks I’m around 5’10, for instance. I’m not. In reality… I’m just short of 5’5… so my centre of gravity is not where it’s supposed to be and I’m all clumsy. I feel weird about the parts that stick out of this phantom body outline, and even weirder about the parts that don’t reach it. Here… I drew a picture. It’s not really accurate, but it goes something like this: The parts in black fit into the outlines and that feels ok. Everywhere that’s in blue or red… those are the parts that don’t fit and I feel weird. If this was a side view, the boobs and butt would be included.
But yeah… I feel like I’m wearing an ill-fitting skin suit. Or only playing a video game, wearing a really terrible haptic suit, so when people touch my avatar I can “feel” it, but it’s super disconnected and there’s a major delay… being touched is problematic on so many grounds for me.
Mostly, it makes me feel insane. All my life, I’ve retreated to little fantasies to try to make sense of it:
- I’m actually an alien from a different dimension sent to spy but they put together my human body wrong.
- I somehow switched bodies with another baby in the hospital… this one I believed for a long time. I was convinced there was someone walking around with my body and that if I could find them and we touched, our brains would switch. I literally walked around looking for this other person.
- I had a fraternal, male twin and I absorbed him in the womb so I wound up with a female body but a male brain.
- I’m just a brain in a jar and scientists are messing with me.
- That I’ve always been male in my past lives (I don’t know if I believe in past lives) and this is my first time being female so it feels like I parked my Ford F-150 at the pearly gates and when it was time to leave, the parking valet gave me the keys to a Volkswagen Beetle instead… and no one believed me when I said it wasn’t my car. Heh.
But, while it makes me feel insane, I try hard not to stress about it because stress makes everything worse*. And I figured there was nothing I could do about it anyway. But then, all these stories started coming out from people who transitioned and finally felt like they fit into their bodies… well, dammit, I was going to give it a try too. I’ll never be able to fix the height problem, but if all I have to do is take some hormones to nudge my body over to male? Hell yes. Maybe, just maybe if I work to fix the gender dysphoria aspect, I’ll feel like I’m actually in my own body instead of wearing someone else’s. I dunno. It’s worth a shot. I know I’m already feeling pretty good about all of it.
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* yes, I do feel stress and anxiety and whatnot, but I ignore or quash most of it. The problem with that is no one believes you when you say you’re stressed because you don’t seem like it.
Dysphoria
Exactly this except for one part. I’ve been researching transitioning since before the internet, waaay back when I came across something in a medical journal/book about sex reassignment surgery. Even after the internet gave me more info, the surgery/hormones just seemed so imperfect that it was the motivation for me to try to live with the body I was given. I’d never have a fully functioning cock. I’d never be 5’10 (which is how tall my mind thinks I am). I’d never be able to have XY chromosomes. I’d always be in the wrong body, die in the wrong body, be buried in the wrong body.
Like the OP, pregnancy and the time after—eight months of nursing my kiddo—made me feel the most aligned with my body I ever have. I could hack it. Had I finally beat the dysphoria? But no… it was just the hormones. The minute those petered out, the dysphoria came back with a vengeance, and I knew it was time to stop fighting it. My female body had served its purpose to have a kid, and now I was free…
…but not really. It’s been years now, and I’ve only told a handful of people. I have the green light for sexual confirmation surgery… but still, I stall. I feel I will lose my extended family. I’ve already lost my partner because he isn’t gay and isn’t interested in trying to make it work. But that’s fine – we remain friends. My kid is so proud that she and I are “girls” that every time I try to start the conversation about who I really am, I chicken out because I don’t want to disappoint her.
It’ll work out. I know it will. I just have to stay the course.